Dying on the Inside
by Mazzie May
Summary: Set after the Manga. Ryou thinks about how he wasn't good enough for Ichigo, no matter what. And he slowly deteriates. Mentally & physically R&R if you want. After a long hiatus, this is now complete
1. Wet Silk

**Well, people, here I am writing another story… This time about unrequited love. Jesus, I pick the happiest topics, don't I? First quiet delirium, homicidal urges and now this. And the sad thing I'm such a happy, spunky person in real life.**

**But anyways, moving on, you already know this take place within Tokyo Mew Mew. I chose this topic because, personally, I think Ryou got gypped hardcore. He went through all the crap, kissed Ichigo about 10 times more than Masaya did, and even got mortally wounded for her and Ichigo goes 'Oh, poor Ryou. Well, I'ma go talk to Masaya now, bye-bye!!'**

**When I finished the manga, I was like "WTF, mate" I was so not amused. So, here's a little look-see into how Ryou really felt about that situation. Because I know I sure as HELL would not smile, give her a hug and except how she treated me in the end. I'd have screamed, yelled, cried and have a full and total break down complete with floor pounding hysterics.**

**I personally never liked Masaya, but if Ichigo was really going to go and be with him, the least she could've done is handle the situation better. I mean, Ryou put his heart on his sleeve. And she ripped it off and stomped on it. All the while saying 'I hope you understand'. Tch, pisses me off…**

**Anyway, there's my reasoning for this story. If you think Ichigo handled it fine, you're not quiet there in the head. But that's okay. I hear you're to humor crazy people.**

**Mazzie May**

Ryou continued to stare at his ceiling. In his room at Café Mew Mew. He'd be leaving soon, a day or two from now. But he wasn't thinking about that. He was trying not to think of anything. You know it really is amazing how hard it was to keep his mind blank. He'd always have that 'breath in, breath out' voice and the registration in his brain that he just blinked. No matter how hard he tried, Ryou could not force his mind to drift off into an empty abyss, void of all worries, all sounds, all sights, all thoughts of her…

"Damn it" he sighed remorsefully. He drew is left arm up and away from his side and slide his forearm unto his forehead, covering his eyebrows. He opened his eyes slowly, the thick dark lashes sticking together slightly as they were forced apart gently. They were still gummy from the thick tears that had manifested at the corners of his green orbs.

Ryou's tears were always special, as no one else he ever met cried the way he did. He would not sob, or choke nor would his body ever quake and quiver. But thick, salty tears would escape his eyes. They left large and long heart-wrenching streaks down his youthful, lightly tanned skin. And last night had been no exception.

He'd lain on his back, arms at his sides. His face completely blank. The pleasantly bored look of a cat. You'd never know something was wrong. Except for those tears. He'd closed his orbs and the tears began to build up. They pooled around his lashes, making those dark blonde strands shimmer. But they would overflow, sliding out of the pool of salt water and create a small rivulet from the corner of his closed orbs, past his ear and through his hair to the pillow case bellow his heavy head. And then the process would repeat. Tears pool, overflow, fall to the pillow, repeat.

That is how he'd spent the night; mentally beating himself so hard it became physical.

Hs eyes were hallow. No longer that crisp green, cold and as distant as winter skies. Those eyes were long dead. Replaced by a darkening meadow green, that green that was so new, so young, one touch and it would break. His eyes once rivaled spring skies; so bright, yet managed to look so cold. Now they were like green glass, you could almost see what was happening in his head. But only almost, with the wetness still hovering there. That damp shine, like wet silk.

When he moved his gaze, those around him more than half expected to see ripples flow across the iris and pupil. But that was rare, for barely anyone was aloud to see him like this. See him with eyes of wet silk.

Which is what he was laying on.

With another sigh escaping his lightly chapped lips, he tried to shift to a dryer area on the pillow. He'd indeed cried hard, for the dark patches were on either side of his head, the white silky pillowcase turned to a soft grey, eggshell color where his tears had made a new home. But, try as he mite, Ryou could not find a dry – and comfortable – position. He laid his head back to its original place and turned his head to the side, sighing a bit, but quickly in hailed. He face twitched a moment as he winced, the pain quick and sharp, but just as quickly gone.

His arm, shoulder and torso were still recovering from the last battle with Kisshu, Pai, Taruto and all the other aliens. He'd dislocated his shoulder, broke his arm in two places, broken three ribs, and cracked a fourth. '_All in the name of love…_'

Oh, there he went again. Thinking about her. But was it really all for her? No, no of course not. He'd have taken those hits for any of the girls. But he didn't take a hit for any of the others. He'd taken them for Ichigo. Her and her 'Blue Knight'. He was lucky to be alive…

The pain had been intense, white hot, searing. He'd cried out. He never cried out. He remembered the pain that temporarily blinded him. Flashes of blue, red, purple, green, yellow – all the colors of the world over took his vision. He felt cold inside, but his skin burned. Numb, yet electric. So many things, yet nothing at all. It was a horrible but still thrilling sensation. It was the feeling of dying on the inside. He still felt it. His innards slowly decaying, organs and muscle shriveling, but what he felt most of all, was his soul dying. It leaked out bit by bit, never to be retrieved. He was losing his personality, his standards, morals, memories… It was all just drifting around, just out of reach. That's how he new he was losing his soul; he could see everything he once was. Everything he would never be again.

A small sound escaped his lips. He was worthless. Totally worthless now. '_Maybe Ichicgo saw that._' His old voice wisped across his barren and vulnerable mind. His old voice, that of which he used to posses. When he was still a whole person, not the empty husk, this pitiful shell, a pathetic excuse for a human bean. That voice was crisp, cool, held its ground, but had a soft undertone of kindness when it came to certain things. But that voice was dripped with acid, filled with a malice that made Ryou visible shudder. '_Maybe she new that you would become this way. She new you would let her down. So she dropped you like a bad habit_' Oh, that voice. So mean…

He quivered suddenly, the cold truth of the voice washing over him like he'd been tossed into the artic ocean. The bed shifted greatly, causing him to wince and a hiss through clenched teeth. He would not cry out. He still had his pride. It was broken, bruised, and bleeding, but it was still there. That had not died. Not yet.

The weight shifting of the bed continued, the soft rustling of the silky sheets, the quiet creak of the stiff mattress. The blankets were suddenly pushed aside, in a wave of shiny, black, wet silk his body was over taking for a moment. He gave a small grunt and pushed the sheets away from his face, ready to slap whoever did that, when he saw Purin.

**Well, buddies, they're you go. Chappie one complete. The next one will involve a bit of Purin's thinking but that's about it**

**Also, the name thing. Yes, I do know their English names. But you know what? The Japanese ones are cuter. Though, I am leaving Mint as "Mint", not "Minto". It serves a purpose in later chapters, and the joke will make a bit more sense if it's left "Mint".**

**Well, see you next Chapter**

**Manga Trivia: Who said "I'll beat him someday, that damned cat!! Then I will become part of the zodiac!!" and who was it said to and about?  
  
I'll give you a cookie if you can guess all three**


	2. Mint Pudding With Strawberries

_Chapter 2: Mint Pudding, with Strawberries___

**Okay, here's the deal. I decided to screw the fixing my chapters thing. Since I'm so friggin' computer illiterate, someone is going to have to walk me through the editing thing. People keep telling me 'Change the format to html.' How do I do that? C'mon people I've looked all over Document Manager and I cannot find a way to change whatever my format is to html. So, if you wanna take my hand and help my pathetic self through this "difficult" process, e-mail me.**

**Thank you.**

The cute monkey had never left his side. She'd curled up at the bottom of the bed and slept there. She'd made a little monkey's nest; pillows, a comforter, a sheet, more pillows… It's where she's been since the last fight. And she was up at his side in the slightest movement was made on his part. When Keiichiro had said watch over him, she'd saluted, nodded and with the most serious face she could muster she squeaked "Yes-siree!! Purin will do good!!" And here she was. At his side in heartbeat.

She blinked big brown eyes. A deep Hershey's brown. Ryou had once teased her that her eyes were so brown because of all the chocolate she ate, it came out her hair and eyes. But now, Ryou wondered if it was true. Her irises shined like glazed chocolate balls, her pupil a bonus dark, chocolate covered cherry. Her hair was a rich brown – rich, full and glossy. Like a healthy monkey's fur, it shined. The brown of her hair glowed mahogany when the sun light struck natural dark red highlights. Everything about her was bright, cheery and hyper. Her eyes always danced with energy, her body only to house the spunkiness and delirium that buzzed inside of her.

But now that cute smile was now a weary one, her eyes energy focused on being concerned. She looked down at him with worry. She'd heard him make that small noise and move around on the bed uncomfortably. Purin was worried she hadn't done her job right. She'd never left, just like she said she would, but Ryou didn't look any better. He looked _worse_. '_Purin was only to keep guard_' her mind reminded her. '_This is no job for you. Go get Mint._'

Purin nodded inwardly and outwardly, mahogany curtain flowing about her head. She looked down at Ryou with a bright smile and said loudly "Purin's gonna go get Mint!! Be good!!!"

She duped down far enough to give him a quick peck on the forehead, then leaned back up, flipped off the bed, and zoomed out the door. Leaving a blinking Ryou behind.

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Ryou laid still for a long moment holding his breath. Purin's moving about caused him a great deal of pain. Nothing like before, but it still hurt. He knew she meant well. She always did. So, he'd fought to keep his face blank, though it was a terrible effort. The monkey just wanted to help, no need to make her feel bad. The last thing he wanted to hear was Purin's wailing because she did 'bad', whatever that meant. The girl was a ball of energy, but she never really did anything _wrong_ in a matter of speaking. Sure, she broke dishes and all, but that wasn't necessarily wrong. But then, that wasn't what she was worried about. She was scared to do 'bad'. Perhaps there was a difference.

Ryou let out his breath slowly, trying to be kind to his ribs. He could hear Purin stampeding around, calling for Mint. He shook his head lightly at her eagerness to help and please. But the action aloud quiet a few strands of blonde hair to make their way into his vision. He glared good naturally at them, but didn't bother to push them away. His hair didn't do anything wrong. No need to move it to a new home.

Instead, he just stared up through the blonde bars, focusing lazily on the curtain. The window was open, letting a strong breeze make the see-through linen dance over his white ceiling. It rippled, and straightened, then fell back over the window. And almost immediately the sheet of fabric would begin its hypnotic dance once again. He watched it muted aw as the cloth wisped about, like a white flame licking the ceiling, trying to spread itself.

It rustled gently, as did the trees, and a soft whistle was made by the wind as it ran through and between the tree branches and over the windowsill. All together it was a soft symphony, lulling him to sleep. His vision blurred as his eyes unfocused, all expressions gone as his face went slack. This was deeper than sleep. It was comatose. He was drifting away. Nothing to hold him back from falling further into a dreamless sleep…

"Damn it, Ichigo!" Ryou wearily reopened his eyes slowly to half lidded. Mint was standing to the side of the bed, her slender arms crossed below a slender bust. She had her game face on, and was ready to play.

Everything about Mint Arizawa physically was slender, just like the bird she was. It was a good slender, though, evenly proportioned to the slightest detail. Her small feet connected to fine ankles, which in turn was apart of fair legs. Those legs were long, as the slide up into hips thicker than the legs, though not by much. Her waist was low and torso long, just like a bird's. Her bust was small compared to the others, but appeared ample and full against her small frame. Small shoulders lead out into long, thin, soft arms that narrowed to fine wrists. To hands with long fingers decorated with rings and those with stones that simmered and shined, always polished to perfection. Just like the rest over her. Her neck was a steady length, as long as one of those women who modeled necklaces and chokers. Her chin was pointed, and dainty, her nose small and ski slope like. But her eyes were different.

The one thing that Ryou was attracted to, if anything at all, were her eyes. A rich, strong, dark brown, like dark cherry wood unpolished. Her eyes didn't glisten in the sun light, or glow in the moon light. Instead, they absorbed it. Absorbed everything. Everything she looked at, just seemed to be sucked into her eyes, those endless brown pools of oblivion.

Unless she was in her Mew Mew form. Then, her eyes were deep, platinum blue. A blue so dark, it passed for onyx. Then, the light would hit those dangerous azur orbs. Though, they still wouldn't shine, and they still wouldn't glow. They would reflect the light, like dark metal, or a tinted mirror. Her eyes were then a cool sheet of metal, deflecting anything and everything. Though, no matter how they looked, her eyes were hard and sharp, just like her personality.

Ryou had always loved it when she turned those naturally glaring eyes to him. She was a fun one to argue with. They'd gone for hours, staring each other down, trying to see who had the coldest eyes. But Keiichiro would always interfere, and she was off to work again. But the times they spent verbally abusing each other was fun. The brother and sister relationship they had was one that no one else would ever reach. Though, he'd prefer if her anger didn't accompany that look of malice she had now. Hoo boy, he'd hate to be on the other end of that look right about now.

Who was that, anyway?

Ichigo Momomiya.

**Wooo, well, there it is. Ichigo is finally brought in. I'd have typed up her disruption, but I gotta get ready for Mass. Ugh, do yourself a favor, don't become Catholic. It's sucks. If you are Catholic, you know exactly what I'm talking about.**

**Tch, Mass doesn't start till six, yet we have to leave five fifteen. For good seats… For the love of God… **


	3. Sharing

**Author's Note: And finally, the update!**

**Summary: Ichigo takes hold as Ryuo lets go**

**Rating: Kplus, I would think.

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**Dying on the Inside**

Chapter Three: Sharing

_By: Mazzie May_

Ichigo Momomiya stood at the end of the bed, her small hands drawn up to her collarbones, wringing relentlessly. An act of worry. Ryou tried to squint, couldn't, then realized he already was.

"What is wrong with you!" Mint was very teed. She was practically snarling at Ichigo, and Ryou wanted to tell her stop, that it wasn't that important, but something held him back. Was it because that maybe Ichigo needed to hear what Mint had to say, that maybe she had this coming, that maybe she was going to understand how he felt? What also seemed possible was that he had to no energy to speak with.

She was wearing her Café uniform, and even teary-eyed and half cowering, she seemed adorable. It was a rare thing indeed when Ichigo back down for any reason, _especially_ when it came to Mint and Ryou. It usually only happened when she knew she was wrong. How long had they been arguing before he woke up?

Ichigo opened her mouth. Whether it was to retaliate or apologize, he'd never know, since Mint cut her off. "You stupid girl! Look at him!" She pointed at his broken form, sagging deeply into the blankets and puffy pillows. "Because of _you_-" she then moved her index finger to face Ichigo, "Ryou'd dead!"

"He's not dead," Ichigo bit out. She was standing a little straighter now, getting some of her fight back. The minute you put blame on Ichigo, you were in for it. She stopped wringing her hands, but kept them cupped.

Mint moved quickly and precisely, like a blue bird hopping. Her face was inches from Ichigo's. "Oh, he's dead alright." Mint narrowed her eyes further, if that was even possible. "His body just doesn't know it yet." Spit hit Ichigo's face. It was a bit dramatic, but Ryou couldn't think of a time when Mint didn't treat every situation with an all or nothing approach.

Well. Ouch. That was rather brutal, Mint dear. But really, it's not like she was wrong. Figuratively speaking, he wasn't even him anymore, yet his body continued without him. Literally speaking, he needed get the lab and be thoroughly examined; that attack did some kind of cellular damage, no doubt, and it needed to be gauged. He could indeed be dying.

For some reason, the though of his life actually draining away wasn't incentive enough for him to actually get up and go. Logically, if the damage was that severe, he was beyond saving, anyway, really there was no reason to try. Who'd miss him, anyway? His parents continued in their failure to remember they even _had_ a son, and the Mew Mews would be sad at most, but would move on with little hindrance. Keiichiro, though… No, he'd respect Ryou's decision. Maybe disappointed, but still respectful.

Honestly, though, it's not like it matters. As their bickering continued, Ryou allowed himself to sink a little bit deeper into his despair. He'd always thought that love was something that was understood, not said. That love meant never having to say sorry. That love was something that couldn't be measured in value. But she showed him that love most be vocalized at every moment for its presence to be reassured, that love was filled with constant apologies, and that it did indeed have a price.

As he stared up at the wind dancing curtains, their shallow argument in the back of his mind, he decided that love was the right thing, done for many a wrong reason.

It wasn't the first time he considered it, but it was something he just couldn't push away. Ichigo… most of the girls weren't really supposed to be Mew Mews. In fact, he and Keiichiro had already made a list of possible matches for the genes. Zakuro Fujiwara and Mint Aizawa had already been on the consideration list, true, but they'd been near the bottom. Ichigo Momomiya, Purin Fong, and Retasu Midorikawa were names they'd never heard of.

It made Ryuo wonder. Wonder if maybe things hadn't happened the way they did that day at the aquarium who the real wild cat was supposed to be; maybe a different girl, out of the hundreds there that day could've been chosen. Or, if they'd stayed on schedule, would he have fallen for the _real_ wild cat? The girl who was meant to receive the injection.

A girl who wasn't Ichigo.

It was an unfair, illogical argument, seeing as how Ichigo's cat-like tendencies weren't what attracted him to her to begin with, but it made him feel better to think that this wasn't his fault. That somewhere along the line, somebody else screwed up and made him love Ichigo.

That this slow death he was suffering from was murder and not a suicide.

The sharp sound of a slap made him sit up quickly. It hurt, it stung and it burned, but he had to see. Mint was facing away from him, half turned. Ichigo's right hand was extended out and down, tears of frustration rolling over every inch of her cheeks. Mint slowly stood straight, and Ryou got a good look on the red mark that was practically glowing against her pale skin.

Ryou's arms were shaking, too weak to continue to hold his heavy body, but he fought to stay upright. Ichigo slapped Mint. What… did he _miss_? Mint pushed past Ichigo hard, sending the wildcat against the bed frame. In the doorway, she turned. "A slap won't change the fact that you're a selfish little bitch. How about you suck it up and at least try for him." She shifted her eyes to Ryou. "Good morning." And then she quietly disappeared from sight, before slamming the door.

He turned his eyes to the pink haired girl on her knees at the foot of his bed, her face buried in the comforter, her arms over her head. He stared down at her, feeling something strange as she sobbed out her anger and frustration. What it was directed at, he didn't know. And he didn't care. But that strange feeling… of warmness was swelling in his chest. Watching her cry, watching her hurt, watching her suffer, finally acknowledging his pain, his sorrow, his _love_…

It felt good.

She looked up at him. Crying was not kind to her, her eyes red rimmed and puffy, her cheeks and forehead blotched, her lips chapped. He smirked at her. Her eyes widened as more tears poured and she bit her lip, fighting the sobs. She slowly crawled onto the bed, and her slightly snot touched hands reached out and took hold of one of his arms. She laid face down again, her face pressed against his thigh.

She was apologizing. Words couldn't do it, because the only thing that could be said that would help is "I love you", which she doesn't. So, she settled for suffering with him. He didn't like it, but it was all that could be done. She cared, on some level…

"Ryou…!" He felt Ichigo hovering over him. When had he fallen backwards? And why did he feel so heavy? "Ryou?" Why couldn't he open his eyes? _Cellular damage_… The warm feeling he'd felt in his chest had nothing to do with Ichigo. The same heat suddenly filled his mouth and burst from pale lips, like a flower violently blooming, sliding away from the corner of his mouth, leaving a cooling trail. "Ryou!" His eyes opened slowly, with realization. He was bleeding internally.

He knew she was yelling, but he couldn't understand the words. The blood continued to erupt from his mouth, but he didn't choke for air, because he wasn't breathing. Red lined his vision as darkness grew behind it. The white-hot burning sensation expanded past his chest, through the rest of his body, but it didn't hurt. Well, it did, he knew it hurt, he knew it was supposed to hurt, that it was meant to be incredibly painful and that he should be withering in agony.

But he felt nothing. His eyes were still open, he knew that, but the black had completely diminished his vision. The dizzy, nauseating, but still pleasant feeling of lack of air was rolling of his brain. He felt disturbingly at peace. Even as he felt hands grabbing at him, someone ribbing open his shirt – _a paramedic, maybe?_ – he wasn't concerned with coming back. He wasn't concerned at all, except for one piece of knowledge he gained with in the last few moments.

She might not share his love. But at least she tried to share his pain. And would live forever with both their guilt.

With those few thoughts his only company, he sighed out what was left of his life, through the blood.

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Ichigo was gripping his hand so hard she drew blood. The paramedics slowly backed away from him, the bitter nectar of life still slowly oozing from his parted lips. She cried out his name as she looked down at him.

Through her blurry vision, she could make out his eyes. Even in death, they seemed soft. Like wet silk.

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**Author's Note: So… eheheheheheheh. What's… up guys? So, not exactly my best work, and I know you all deserve better than this, after being so patient while my life and other writing projects put this on hold. I didn't go into so much physical detail and I did more character depth for two reasons: One, rereading the other chapters, I realize I spent waaaaay too much time on physical detail and two, my writing style has changed over all the time that's passed. So, it'd be impossible to keep up the consistency. Sorry to everyone that might bother. Again, sorry for the wait. And, no, I did not just pull that ending out of my ass. I had it planned all along. I hate Ichigo and I think she live with guilt of knowing someone loved her more than she's ever experienced and she turned him away. I would like to think that this guilt drove her to break up with Masaya. Maybe I'll do a one-shot on it. I'm not going to make any promises, though. Unless you all would like to see it.**

**Review, (assuming you're still reading this.)**


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